Ones and zeroes

I’m not a boy. I’m not even a girl. I’m like a failed version of both.

– Mae Martin, Feel Good, 2020

This is a very personal post and I’m going to lean heavily on Mae Martin for helping me through it.

I have identified as non binary for about four years now. I am out to everyone in my life. But there is still a disconnect between the thing I think I am and the thing I see in the mirror. I was recently told that I’ve always seemed to have been uncomfortable in my own skin and that my kink identity has perhaps been a mask for that? Chasing my puppy identity, the drone, then the rubber doll but seemingly never settling.

And this is not some damascene moment, not some flash of psychologist intervention, not a hypnotic regression to realise I always wore dresses as a child or something. No. This has been a slow burn, a constant gnawing feeling that stops you sleeping. It’s always been there but you don’t notice it until it suddenly bursts forth.

I think of myself being relatively enlightened but I never really got what non binary was. I went through a lot of my life being unhappy with my current body yet unhappy with any other alternative because I thought it was a binary choice – if not boy then it must be girl. And then I saw this.

– Mae Martin, Feel Good, 2021

YES! I thought, that is me, I am just me, I transcend and reject that binary choice.

But here is the problem. I now know me but other people do not see me that way. Yes, those closest to me do, but in a shop or restaurant, or on the phone, I’m still a Sir.

Which brings me to the here and now. I want to boost my femme aspects – if 1 was a boy and 10 a girl I guess I’m aiming for a 5 or 6. Simply taking estrogen might help me but I also don’t want any breast growth. This might(?) change in the future but I can only do what feels right in the present.

Before I continue I want to say this is the experience of one person only. What is right and works for me may not work for you but it might help you to know you’re not on your own.

Sadly there is very little research on transgender medicine and even less on nonbinary folk. So we do our own.

It has taken me four months to find a doctor willing to help (I would not recommend GenderGP by the way) but I have finally started on Raloxifene. This is a selective estrogen reuptake modifier (SERM) which is designed to activate estrogen receptors everywhere but in breast tissue. I have also added in Dutasteride which blocks the conversion of testosterone to DHT.

It is possible that this is not “enough” for me and I might add in a low dose of estrogen down the line if I can tolerate the Raloxifene.

Even though I don’t quite know where I’m going I’m excited for the journey. I’ll be keeping this post updated with my progress if you want to come on the ride.